i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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