You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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