i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
