So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
