I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
