Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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