You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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