And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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