This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
