Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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