guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
