we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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