Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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