God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
