my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
