he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
