What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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