Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
