It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
the raccoons are back...
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