I didn't shave. On purpose
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
