pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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