did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
