is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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