right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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