the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
