I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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