I feel like abortions should bother me more
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
