I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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