Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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