Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
