This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
