she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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