Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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