Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
