how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can't turn off my feet"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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