I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
