Can Purell be used as lube?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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