I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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