Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
