Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
