If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
