I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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