So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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