I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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