We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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