Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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