I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
