ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
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hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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