I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
