My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
