tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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