Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
