My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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