I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
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Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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