I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
