Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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