I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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