i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
