We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
