yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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