I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
